Placebo
by Lostand1TreeHillfan
Summary: Lucas never wanted this for his children. He wanted them to have a mother that loved them, and would never hurt them. He knows deep down that only one woman can give them that. He also knows that that said woman would give him his lifelong happiness. Love
1. Solace

**I do not own anything. **

**Placebo**

Summary: Lucas never wanted this for his children. He wanted them to have a mother that loved them, and would never hurt them. He knows deep down that only one woman can give them that. He also knows that that said woman would give him _his_ lifelong happiness. Love.

**Chapter 1: Solace**

As Haley was just about to open the fridge for a midnight snack, she hears a frantic knock at the door. She kinks her eyebrow and looks at the clock. 3:30 A.M. She quickly closed the fridge and walks to the door. She turns on the outside light and cautiously looks through the peephole. She blinks twice to make sure she is seeing right. _Lucas_. "Oh my god." She can't believe her eyes. She hasn't heard from him in nine months, and suddenly he is at her door. She quickly pulls open the door and comes face to face with him.

"Hi Haley…..uh…do you…do you think we could spend the nigh?" He asks almost shyly. He doesn't look into her eyes, scared what her reaction might be.

Haley nods, but realizes he can't see her for he is looking at the ground. "Yeah." she clears her throat, "Yeah, you guys can stay." He looks up at her and he nods. He turns back to his car, but was interrupted by Haley. "Do you need some help with the kids?"

He looks back and smiles weakly, "Yeah, that would be nice." He turns back toward the car with Haley in tow.

Once they reach the car Haley looks into the back while Lucas is getting out the bags. She can see the two children in the back. After Lucas set the bags up by the porch, Haley opens the door and the light comes on. She can see their faces clearly; they both are pale and look exhausted. Lucas comes up behind her, "Um...you can take Noah. He's lighter than Lizzy." Haley nods and takes the exhausted boy in her arms. He is a lot lighter than she had remembered. Lucas goes to the other side and picks up Lizzy without much effort.

Once they get into the house, they make their way up the stairs into the guest room. They both set the kids on the bed, and covered them up. Lucas gave both of them a kiss on the forehead. Haley sits on the bed and looks at Lucas. He sighs and runs a hand over his face. Haley then finally got a good look at his face. He looked terrible, like he hasn't slept in weeks, and he was dangerously pale. He was really skinny, and he had dark 5 o'clock shadow. Before she could say anything. He said, "I'm going to get the bags." And then he quickly left the room.

Before she heard the front door close she heard foot steps in the hallway. Nathan came through the door wiping his eyes. "Haley what's….oh." He stopped mid-sentence when he saw the two children in the bed. He stands there shocked. "What's going on? Where's Lucas?"

"He's down getting their suitcases."

"When did he get here?"

"Just 20 minutes ago actually." She saw him about to say something but she cut him off. "I don't know why he is here. I haven't asked him."

"Haley, we haven't heard from him in a long time…. it just doesn't make sense."

"I know, but something isn't right. You can see it in his eyes, you can see it in the kids faces." Nathan sighed, and heard the front door shut. He saw Lucas walk up the stairs with two small suitcases. Once Lucas reached the door, he offered a small smile at Nathan and put down the suitcases. "Hey Luke. Do you need help with the rest of your bags?"

Lucas didn't respond for a second, "I…I don't have anymore suitcases. That's all I brought."

Nathan didn't know what to say. "Oh...ok man. That's cool." They fell into an awkward silence that Nathan was the first to break. "You can stay here as long as you need to." Lucas eyes looked up to Nathan then Haley. She nodded in agreement.

Lucas sat down at looked at his kids. "Thanks you guys." He looked back at them. "That means a lot."

Nathan nodded. "Well, I am going to get to bed. I got practice tomorrow. Night Haley, Lucas." And he left the room.

"Look, Haley, I know coming here was short notice-" Haley cut him off before he could finish.

"You're right Lucas, it is short notice. We haven't heard from you in what…8 months and now you show up at our front door?" Haley knew that she sounded kind of harsh, but she had a right to be. She took a brief pause and a deep breath to regain her composer. "What is going on Lucas? The kids look terrible, and you look horrible." Lucas looked down at the floor defeated. "What's wrong? I only want to help."

"She found us."

Haley looked confused. "How could Lindsey find you, isn't she supposed to be in jail?"

"I thought she was, but they let her out on good behavior…She tried to take them out of daycare, Haley."

"Oh, my god…did she..."

"No, they called me to make sure it was okay, but I told them not to let them out. Before the I got there she was gone….But later that night, she and her new boyfriend came by the house. They said they were going to take them. They said they were, they were…" Lucas looked down to try to hide the tears. Haley got up to comfort him, but he just backed away. "Lindsey said if she can't have them, neither can I."

Haley wiped away a stray tear, "How long ago was this?"

"It happened about a four days ago. That morning, I packed up the suitcases in a hurry and left."

"Wait, hold on…you drove all the way here from Seattle?"

Lucas nodded his head. "Yeah. The only time I stopped was for food or gas. I just didn't know what to do."

"Why didn't you stop at a hotel?"

"Because I didn't have the money…I know I told you I was doing fine, but I had been working three jobs for the past year just to make ends meet. I didn't know where to go."

"Lucas, you know you can come to me for anything. I love you." Lucas automatically gets up, walks over to Haley and gives her the biggest hug he can muster.

"Thanks Haley."

After the hug breaks, Haley looks up at Lucas and smiles. "Well, you look exhausted. I am going to let you get some sleep. But don't think you don't have to tell me everything. We can talk about the rest tomorrow. Night Luke." Lucas watches as she starts to walk out of the room, but she stops at the door and turns around. "I really missed you." She smiles at him, and then walks out of the room. He looks at the clock and it reads "4:39" He crawls under the covers next to Noah.

For once in the past year in the half, he feels things with finally be okay, as he drifts off to sleep.

_--------_

Lucas awoke to the sunlight coming in through the window, and the chirping of an annoying bird sitting on the windowsill. He sat up and rubbed his eyes. He looked to his left onto the nightstand to the clock. It read 10 o'clock. He gets out of bed and finds his two and half year old son on the ground playing with his matchbox car. "Hey buddy."

"Daddy!" Noah says, and runs into his dads' arms. Lucas lifts him up in the air and kisses his cheek. Noah puts his arms around his neck and gives him a big hug. "Aunt Haley?" Noah asked.

Lucas chuckled, "Yah, little man, we're at Aunt Haley's. Are you hungry?" He watched as his son nodded his head frantically. "Alright then, lets go see what we can find." He looked back at his sleeping daughter, "I think we'll let Lizzy sleep longer."

Once they got downstairs, he set Noah into a chair and looked around. He didn't think anyone was home, so he went into the pantry and got out some Fruit Loops. He got everything out and poured him a bowl of cereal.

Before he took a bite he looked up at Lucas, "Wan sone daddy?" Noah asked as he held out his spoonful of cereal.

Lucas smiled, kissed his son on the forehead and said, "No thanks buddy, that's for you." Lucas watched as his son began to eat his cereal while he tried to do the maze on the back of the box. Lucas grabbed a nearby newspaper and tried to keep himself occupied.

He was interrupted when he heard Noah yell, "Aunt Haley!" Lucas lifted down the newspaper just in time to see his son jump off the chair and run full speed at Haley.

Haley caught him just in time and lifted him onto her hip. The little boy hugged her really tight. "Missed you." He gave her the biggest smile she had ever seen.

Haley smiled back just as big. "I missed you to Noah." She brought him back to the table and set him down on the chair.

"Wan some Aunt Haley? Daddy says he no wan ainy, you wan son?"

"No thanks bud, I ate earlier." The little boy shrugged and smiled and went back to eating.

Haley turned her attention to Lucas, "You want something to eat. Your to skinny…" She paused and looked around, then headed toward the fridge. "Where's Lizzy?" She asked as she looked over the fridge door.

"No thanks Haley, and Lizzy's still sleeping."

"Okay." She turned around and walked toward the sink to put her coffee cup in there.

"Oh. Listen. Brooke, Peyton and I are supposed to go shopping today, but if you want you're welcomed to join us."

"No thanks. I think I'm just going to hang around, and see what's changed."

"Ok, you're loss. I have to go get the shower before they come get me." Haley said as she left the room. She forgot to mention something, so she snapped her fingers and poked her head back in the door. "Oh. Nathan and Jamie are at the River court. They won't be back til' one. Okay?"

"Yeah okay. Thanks." Once Haley left the room, he looked back at his son who had milk all over his chest, but everything else was gone. "Wow. Someone was hungry." He watched his son nod and start to giggle. He started to laugh to, "Lets get you cleaned up."

--------

Brooke walked into the kitchen putting away the dishes from breakfast. "Peyton we gotta go get Haley soon! Come on!" She heard Peyton yell something back but couldn't understand her. She was about to yell something back when a picture on the fridge caught her eye. It was a picture that was taken when Lucas last visited Tree Hill 9 months ago at Christmas. It was a perfect picture. Noah, the brown haired, blue eyed boy; almost completely identical to Lucas was sitting on his fathers lap with a little Santa clause hat on his head, and Lizzy; a dirty blond hair, blue eyes girl sat on Peyton's lap, and Peyton's head on Lucas' shoulder. Lucas had his arm safely wrapped around the two of them. After the picture had been developed, everyone teased them that they were cutest couple in Tree Hill.

That was last time they had heard from him. Haley said that she got a hold of him two months after Christmas when he called for Nathan's birthday. After that, everyone had tried to call him everyday, but no one knew where he was.

Peyton walked into the kitchen putting in her earrings. She saw her best friend stare sadly at the picture. "Did you call him?"

Brooke looked at her friend, "No, not today. I'll try tomorrow. Did you call him yet?"

Secretly, Brooke knew Peyton tries to call him at least twice everyday. She watched her friend close her eyes for a brief moment and sigh, "Yeah, he didn't answer." Brooke decided to talk about something she knew would lift Peyton's mood.

"How is Mia doing in the studio?"

Peyton smiled, "She's doing really well, and hopefully she'll be ready to go on tour soon. What about you, how is your mom taking the whole moving back to Tree Hill?"

Brooke rolled her eyes, "It's been about a month, and she just keeps nagging about how this will ruin the company. Enough about us P. Sawyer, we have to go pick up Haley and go shopping! Lets go, best friend." Brooke grabbed Peyton's hand and led her out the door.

--------

"There we go buddy. All cleaned up." Lucas lifted Noah off the counter and back onto the floor. He watched as his son went back to the table and pick up the bowl and spoon. He slowly made his way back to Lucas and handed him his bowl. Lucas smiled at his son's politeness and took the bowl. "Thanks little man. You can go watch TV but keep the volume down, we don't want to wake up your sister." The little boy nodded, and went into the living room.

Lucas sighed, and turned back to the sink. He looked out the window into the beautiful lake that inhabited most of the back yard. There was no doubt this was one of the most beautiful houses he had ever seen.

He turned on the sink and got a handful of water. He held it in his hands for a brief second looking at his faint reflection. Yet wasting no time, he frantically put the handful of water on his face. He stood their hovering over the sink for god knows how long. Just thinking how it had come to this. Where he went wrong. Where his life went wrong.

--------

The car came to a screeching stop. Brooke looked over at Peyton, and was about to say something, but something at the corner of her eye caught her attention. A red mustang. It looked exactly like… A lump got caught in her throat. _"Lucas". _She whispered. Peyton was still looking out the other window, and even if she did look the same way she wouldn't be able to see it.

She cleared her throat, "P. Sawyer?" Peyton turned her head and looked at Brooke almost questioningly. "I'm going to…. I'll go get Haley." Brooke took one more glance at the car, and turned her attention back to Peyton.

"Brooke, are you okay. You look like you saw a ghost or something."

_I wish. _Brooke shook her head hurriedly. "No, I'm fine. I'll be right back." Before Peyton could reply, she was already out the door.

She quickly jogged up to the door and quietly opened the door. She made her way into the house as quiet as she could. She turned the corner into the hallway and could faintly hear the TV on Spongbob. She turned the corner into the kitchen. She just about screamed.

--------

"Lucas?" He was over by the sink facing the window.

Once he heard her voice, he closed his eyes and sighed. He turned around cautiously. "Hi, Brooke."

"Lucas Scott." She looked shocked. _And….angry?_ "Where the hell have you been"?! Y_ep. Definitely angry._ She took a couple steps closer. "It's been nine months. Nine months Lucas!" She took another step and before he could respond, she brought her hand back and slapped him right across the face. He knew it was coming by the look in her eyes. He just grabbed onto the sink with his hands and took it. He didn't even flinch.

"How dare you! How dare you come back NOW! Now Lucas! Why!?"

"Brooke…"

She pointed her index finger at him and shushed him. "No. No you don't get to explain. If you want to say something, explain to me why you left. You left in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve." She paused and began pacing. "No, scratch that. Explain to Peyton why you left. Explain to her why you left without saying good-bye, because to be honest, I don't want to have to do that again." Lucas was looking at he ground.

He whispered, almost inaudible. "I'm sorry Brooke."

She sighed. "You shouldn't apologize to me, Lucas. Peyton was more hurt then I was." She looked up at him. He wasn't the same Lucas. Not at all. His blue eyes were greyer now. They held no life. His face was long and pale. He wasn't showing any emotion. None at all.

She walked over to him. "Lucas." She waited until he looked at her. She smiled. "It's good to see you again." He smiled and brought her into a hug. "But don't think that you're off the hook."

Brooke pulled away and looked up at him. "It's good to have you back Luke. I missed my friend." She paused for a moment. "Now where's my god children?"

"Uhh. I think..." He didn't have a chance to answer. He watched someone come through the door.

"Lu...Lucas?" Peyton stood in the door, awed struck. "Is that you?"

Lucas seemed stuck in his place and he couldn't take his eyes off the blond beauty. She hadn't changed at all. Her hair was still curly, still tall with her legs that seemed to go on forever. Her green eyes seemed to shine, eyes that he could read better than his favorite book.

She slowly made her way to him. She looked into his eyes. His empty clouded eyes. She couldn't read them anymore. _What has life done to him?_ She put one hand on his cheek and the other on his chest. She had to know it was him. She had to know it wasn't some dream. As she began to realize it was him, her eyes started to cloud over with tears. Before they fell, she wrapped her arms around him and held on for dear life.

She could slowly feel his arms make their way around her. They stayed like that for a few moments, just until they were interrupted. "Aunt Book! Peyt!" They broke apart at once and blushed as Noah came running towards them. He first wrapped his arms around Peyton's leg since he couldn't reach her hip. She smiled and picked up the little boy, who immediately wrapped his tiny arms around her neck, kissed her cheek, and buried his head into her shoulder. "I missed you." He mumbled.

Peyton smiled as her chest filled with joy. "I missed you to Noah." She said as she kissed the boys temple.

"Hey! Godmother here wants to see her god son!" Noah smiled and reached out for Brooke. Brooke laughed back and took Noah from Peyton's arms. "I missed you baby boy." Noah giggled and wrapped his arms around Brooke.

Peyton laughed along, then looked at Lucas. He seemed out in a different world. He was gazing at the newspaper that lay on the kitchen table almost lost in thought.

She took one step closer to him but a defining shrill stopped her. She looked up the stairs at which the scream came from, and in less then a millisecond, Lucas was already bolting toward the stairs at full speed. Taking three at a time.

"DADDY! PLEASE DADDY! HELP!" She could hear the little girl cry for mercy. She followed Lucas up the stars along with Brooke who still held Noah in her arms. They were only a few steps behind Lucas.

Once Lucas hit the top of the stairs. He turned the corner just in time to catch Lizzy as she jumped into his arms. Sobbing. Brooke and Peyton watched in horror as Lucas tried to calm the esthetic little girl. She was clinging onto Lucas for dear life.

"Daddy…" Lizzy cried into his shoulder. "Daddy, I'm…I'm sorry daddy." She took long deep breaths just as Lucas instructed softly. " I'm sorry I could…I couldn't save Noah this time." The little girl looked into her father's eyes. "She…She killed him daddy. Mamma killed Noah…. I couldn't save him this time."

**A/N: What do you think? I'm re-writing this first chapter, as you can probably tell if you read this before. Not much changed, I just deleated some things. **

**But anywho, PLEASE REVIEW! They make me happy and want to write! lol. **


	2. What's Left of Me Part 1

**

* * *

**

A/N: Sorry for the really really really long wait. Your reviews were amazing! Thanks so much! I hope to UD more. I'm seriously going to try. I'm gonna try to write a little everyday and see where it takes me.

**Short chapter, but kind of emotional….**

**Placebo**

Summary: Lucas never wanted this for his children. He wanted them to have a mother that loved them, and would never hurt them. He knows deep down that only one woman can give them that. He also knows that that said woman would give him _his_ lifelong happiness. Love.

* * *

**Chapter 2: What's Left of Me Part 1**

_Watched my life pass me by in the rearview mirror. _

_Pictures frozen in time are becoming clearer. _

_I don't wanna waste another day stuck in the shadow of my mistakes._

Lucas has been upstairs for about twenty minutes now, still trying to calm the esthetic young girl down. Haley had come downstairs ten minutes ago, completely oblivious to the situation. The girls decided to wait until Lucas came downstairs before they would leave. Now as they sit and wait, Brooke began to watch a movie with Noah. Peyton could here as he tried to explain the characters to her in a very precise manner.

Peyton and Haley were in the kitchen drinking a cup of tea in silence. The cries coming from upstairs had died down. It was only about five minutes later they heard Lucas come downstairs. He turned the corner from the hallway to the kitchen and paused when he entered. He hadn't expected for them to still be there. He ran his hands over his face and proceeded to the cupboard.

Peyton watched as he got out a glass and began to fill it with water. She noted the redness of his eyes and the tear stains on his face. Haley too had her eyes locked on him as he turned around so his back was toward them to put ice-cubes in the glass. Brooke walked into the kitchen once she heard him make his way downstairs, taking an extra glance back down at the innocent blond boy watching the movie.

"She's got a fever." Lucas spoke very slowly as he was getting the ice into the glass. He rubbed a hand over his tired face again before turning back toward them, leaning back against the counter. "I-" He cleared his throat before continuing. "I have to call the doctors to make sure it's not a symptom of her medication." No one said anything, so he turned back and grabbed the glass of water and began to make his way out of the kitchen. Before he got out the door, he turned back to the girls. "You guys should go shopping. You don't have to stay here because of me."

Haley was the first one to speak. "Lucas-"

He knew what she was going to say by the look she gave him. "No, go on. Go have fun. There isn't anything you guys can do here." They all gave him a look that said they didn't believe him. He gave them a sad smile. "I'll be fine. Trust me. It's _okay_, go." Then he walked out of the room.

They sat there a few moments. "Why do I not believe him?" Brooke spoke.

"Because he's not that good of a liar." Haley said as she got up to put her cup into the sink.

They all sat in silence for a few moments, too lost in their thoughts. "You guys should go, I'll stay here with him." Peyton spoke for the first time. They looked at her; she couldn't really read the emotions on their faces. "It'll give me time to catch-up with him." Peyton concluded. Half of that was true. The other half of her wanted him to talk to her like they could before all this happened. It's been about two years since Lucas closed himself off from all them. He would tell them everything they wanted to know, except things that involved him and his feelings. She knows he blames himself for what happened, but he shouldn't. She can tell that this inwardly battle he's fighting is slowly killing him.

Haley and Brooke didn't want to leave him, but they both knew Peyton wanted some alone time with him. Haley went to grab her purse while Brooke went over to Peyton. She bent down to her eyelevel and said, "Call me if you or Lucas needs anything. Okay?"

Peyton nodded and gave Brooke a hug. Haley came back through the kitchen briefly hugging Peyton while Brooke peeked her head through the living room doorway, "Bye mini-Luke." She smiled at the young boy as he ran up to her and gave her a hug, and then went towards Haley. She rubbed the boys head and said a 'bye' as they made their way out the door.

Peyton felt a tug on her shirt and looked down at Noah. He put up his index finger and motioned her for her to come down to eyelevel. When she was, Noah looked back toward the stairs as if making sure the coast was clear. He said really softly. "Why is daddy sad?" They way he said that almost broke Peyton's heart. He was being so innocent, and you could hear such care in his voice.

"Why would you say that?" Peyton finally found her voice after a moment.

"He dosn smile no more." Noah looked down, unsure off himself.

"He…He doesn't?" It wasn't a question, not really anyway. She knows Lucas smiles, but there all fake.

"No real ones…" Apparently he knows it too. People should give him more credit. He's almost exactly like his father in so many ways. He can tell when people aren't being truthful, but never calls them on it unless it's appropriate. He knows what people are felling, and tries to make them feel better if they're down. It just how his is, he has a heart of gold.

"Come here buddy-" Peyton picks him up and walks into the living room. She sets him down on the couch, laying him down and gets him a blanket hanging off the back of one of the chairs. Peyton comes back over sits down on the couch, while the little boy puts his head on her lap as she puts the blanket over him. They sit in silence as they watch the rest of the movie. Peyton gently strokes the boy's hair with her fingers as she watches him slowly fall asleep. She knows that it's the only way to put him to sleep. It calms him down and makes him feel protected. Lucas does it too while he reads him books before bed. Peyton saw him do this when they came to visit for Christmas last year. He told her it was the quickest way to put him to sleep. She's done it ever since.

"You know, he loves it when you do that." His voice disrupted her thoughts.

She smirked, "Like father like son." Lucas looked down and blushed slightly. The tips of his ears going red briefly before he glanced back up at her and smiled. It was the truth. She would do that when he was tense or stressed. It happened a lot last Christmas. So they would sit down in the living room sitting by the fire watching the kids play games or on Christmas morning, opening up presents. He would lay his head on her lap closing his eyes; taking in everything. He'd take in the sounds of his children laughing, the smells of a home cooked meal they all helped prepare. The sounds of a truly happy family. She would stroke his hair, making him forget the pain of life. Even if it was just for a second, he took as much time as he would get, and just be happy. Whether he would admit it or not, the only time he was truly at peace was either with his kids or with her.

"Wow. Did Lucas Scott actually smile?" She just had to continue teasing him. He looked too cute the way he was blushing.

"Maybe…" He continued to smile as he shoved his hands into his pockets. A habit he had when he was nervous. He walked over to the other side of her and sat down. Slowly putting his arms behind her. Holding her close.

She smiled as she looked up at him. Then spoke, "You know, if I didn't have him sleeping on my lap I'd be yelling at you right now."

He knew she was serious, but she kept her town light. "I know."

Still trying to keep her tone down, "You could've at least kept in touch. I wouldn't have judged you."

"I know." Of course he knew.

"Did you at least keep in touch with _someone_?" She didn't want him to be completely alone. She knew that when he went back to Seattle, he didn't have anyone.

Lucas nodded his head. "I kept in touch with my mom." She looked confused.

"But I talk to your mom every-"

"Every week. I know." He finished. "I called her every chance I got, which wasn't many."

"She never told me. I asked her, but she never said anything." She was a little upset that Karen didn't tell her.

"Don't be mad at her. I told her not to tell any of you that we talked. I didn't know when I was coming back. Or _if_ I was coming back."

She sighed, rather dramatically in Lucas' perspective. Peyton then looked up and studied his face. "You look pale…" She touched his cheek with the palm of her hand. Her hand slowly trailing his dark whiskers from the bottom of his neck to the top of his jaw. "When was the last time you ate?" He looked away. She grabbed the other side of his face and turned him to face her. "Lucas Scott, when was the last time you ate?"

She feared his answer, so didn't wait for one. She took her hand away from his face, grabbed a pillow that was on the other side of Noah. She lifted his head up slowly, laid the pillow under his head and was off into the kitchen.

Lucas was right behind her after he made sure Noah wasn't awake. "Peyt-"

"No Luke, I don't want to hear it." She was in the refrigerator looking for something to make him. She pulled out cheese and butter, and then turned back to him. He was leaning against the archway that divided the kitchen from the living room. "Last time I saw you, I told you to take care of yourself. Clearly-" She pointed up and down his slightly skinny frame. "You didn't." She finished as she pulled out a loaf of bread, which she started to butter four pieces.

"I told you not to worry about me." Lucas said as he pushed himself off the doorframe and closer to her.

"Damn it Lucas! I always worry about you." She turned toward him and walked until she was as close as she could get to him. "Can't you see? I lo-… care about you _so_ much!" She grabbed his cheeks and made him look at her. He did, right into her tear stained eyes. "Why can't you see it? Why do you keep pushing me away?" She looked deep into his eyes, and she knew what he was thinking. He always had that look when he was thinking about it. She knows that look. It's the look he's had for the past two years.

Lucas pulled away from her grasp to get some space between the two of them." It's not your fault Lucas."

"I know." He nodded as he looked outside the nearest window.

Peyton shook her head, "No…. No I don't think you do." She walked back up to Lucas, and made him look at her again. "Say it." She demanded.

"Say what?" He pretended to play dumb, hoping she would drop it.

"Say it's not your fault."

"Peyt-" He pleaded. He tried to get away, but she wasn't budging.

"No! Lucas, say it. 'It's wasn't my fault." She repeated. He stayed silent. "Say it!" She demanded again, more forceful.

She watched as a lone tear worked his way down his face. Her tone softened considerably. "Say it." More tears flooded their way down his face. He tried to close his eyes, but they just kept coming. "Luke. Lucas…" He opened is eyes. "Say it." She pleaded once more.

"It-it's…."He stopped there, once more pleading with his eyes to Peyton, begging her not to make him do this. It didn't work. "It's- not- not…my f-fault." He whispered and closed his eyes once again.

"Say it louder." Lucas shook his head frantically and whispered an almost mute, 'no'.

"Lucas say it louder."

"No."

"Lucas. Say it louder!"

"No!"

"Say it!"

"It's not my fault!" He just about screamed. "It's not my fault! It's not my fault!" He stepped back from her. "Is that what you want to hear?" She'd never seen him this angry, and if she was being honest, it scared her. "It's not my fault! Do you feel better that I said it! Is that what you wanted to hear?"

He stared to pace. "It's not my fault!" He mocked. "I may have said it, but it sure as hell doesn't change the fact that it _is_ my fault! Every time my daughter wakes up screaming, it _my_ fault!" He looks at her and stares right into her eyes. "Every time my son asks where his mother is, it's _my_ fault. Every single time they ask 'why mommy had to hurt them', or 'why didn't mommy love us'. 'Where we bad?' Or, you know what, this is my favorite. 'Why me?' 'Why do I not have a mommy like other kids have?' You know the kind, the ones that actually _love_ them'.

"Lucas-"

"No, Peyton. Just don't. Okay." He looked down defeated. "Just _don't_." He said as he walked out the back door.

I've been dying inside, little by little

_Nowhere to go; I'm goin outta my mind._

_An endless circle runnin from myself until_

_You _**can**_ gave me a reason for standing still_

**

* * *

**

AN: Tell me what you think. More reviews seem to help me write faster…. also good music. But that's not the point…Please REVIEW!!


	3. Halo

**_A/N_**_: Don't own "Halo" by Beyonce either…_

**Chapter 3: Halo**

_Remember those walls I built  
Well, baby they're tumbling down  
And they didn't even put up a fight  
They didn't even make up a sound_

Peyton watched as Lucas slammed the door. The impact of the slammed door caused windows and glassware in the cupboards to rattle. She hadn't intended to get him that angry, but she felt it was about time someone said something to him. She stared at the door for a few moments deciding whether or not to go after him. She took a step towards the door, when a voice stopped her.

"Tol you daddy sad." She turned on her heel, just as Noah was standing in the entrance of the kitchen, rubbing his sleep-filled eyes. "Is he mad at you?"

Peyton took a couple steps, and bends down to his eye level. "Yeah, buddy. He is."

He was silent for a few seconds. It looked as if he was trying to find the right words to say. "Its ok. I'm not mad at you." He said as he smiled. Which in turn, made her smile.

"Thanks buddy." She kissed his forehead and stood back up.

He began to look around. "Where he go?"

Peyton didn't know what to say. She didn't want to scare him, saying she didn't know. The kids were a little…hesitant when it came to Lucas leaving.

"He went out for a walk, he'll be back soon. Why? What do you need?"

"Juice."

"Oh, ok. Let me get it." She began to walk to the fridge.

"No!" Peyton turned back around to him. "Juice. Make me better." Noah said as he pointed to his heart.

"Oh. I'm sorry buddy, I don't have your medication." She came back over to him and ran her hand through his hair. "When your dad gets back we'll remind him. Okay?" She watched as the little boy nodded.

It had always scared her that both Lucas and Noah had a flawed heart. From what you can tell on the outside, their hearts were far from flawed. "Let's go check on Lizzy." The blond boy nodded, agreeing, as Peyton picked him up and took him upstairs.

_I found a way to let you in  
But I never really had a doubt  
Standing in the light of your halo  
I got my angel now_

When they entered the room, Peyton expected the young girl to be asleep on the bed. But as she had further looked around the room, she found Lizzy sitting on the windowsill wrapped up in a blanket. Peyton began to walk over quietly, hoping to not disturb the little girl who seemed to be lost in her thoughts. It was short lived, because the floor made a creak, so Lizzy turned to meet her gaze. A smile graced her lips as she launched herself towards Peyton, who in turn put Noah down just in time to catch her.

Lizzy hugged her as tight as she could, and Peyton returned the favor. "I missed you Peyton…" She said shyly.

Peyton smiled and pulled her closer. "I missed you too Izzy." Peyton could feel the little girl smile onto her shoulder at the mention of her nickname. Only Peyton, and sometimes her dad called her that. Noah sometimes tended to call her Iz. He started to call her that when he could first talk. Then he started to call her Sissy. Not because of the words original meaning, but because he couldn't say his "R's" like in sister.

Lizzy pulled back, and Peyton could tell she wasn't feeling well. She was dangerously pale, and looked completely exhausted. "Aren't you supposed to be in bed?" Peyton asked as she put her hand on her forehead. The girl definitely had a fever. She could feel the heat radiating off of her from an arms-length away. The little girl nodded. "Then why are you sitting at the window?" She hadn't realized the motherly tone she's been using, but to be honest, she loved the sound of it.

"I'm watching daddy." She said simply. Lizzy went back toward the window and sat down with the blanket wrapped around her. Noah was right behind her, as was Peyton. She was right. Lucas was in the driveway playing basketball. He was putting shots down left and right. Not stopping for a split second. It's what he did when he was angry, or just needed time to think. He'd work himself until he couldn't go any longer, or until he thought his problem through. "He's mad at you." She stated, and looked up at Peyton.

"You heard us didn't you?"

"Yep. Well, I heard daddy yelling at you." Lizzy paused then smiled at her. "Don't worry, he can't stay mad at you long." It was true. Brooke always told her that Scott men were born with a soft spot for Peyton Sawyer, and that included Nathan and Jamie too.

Peyton smiled back at her. "Thanks Iz."

She nodded at looked back at her dad. "You should talk to him. He looks like he needs you." Peyton gave her a questioning glance. "He _always_ needs you. Even if he doesn't know it." Another questioning glance from Peyton, and Lizzy giggled a little. "Aunt Brooke and Aunt Haley always says that." The older blond rolled her eyes, smiled and kissed Lizzy's head. Lizzy always had a tendency to ease-drop on conversations.

"Make sure your brother doesn't get into any trouble while I go talk to your dad." She playfully said, knowing full well that they'd be perfect angles while unattended.

Peyton watched as the little blond girl nodded and smiled evilly to her younger brother, who in turn stuck his tongue out at her. She took one last look to the kids and began to walk downstairs, not missing Noah's comment, "Just wait 'til I get older then you." Peyton laughed at herself before her mind drifted back to Lucas. She had no clue what she was supposed to say to him. It was her fault he is like this, but she couldn't find a way to fix it.

* * *

_It's like I've been awakened  
Every rule I had you breakin'  
It's the risk that I'm takin'  
I ain't never gonna shut you out_

She took a deep breath before opening the garage door, which led to the driveway where Lucas was. She cautiously made her way out of the garage into the sunlight. She had to squint her eyes to see Lucas, as he continued to make shot after shot. Peyton didn't think he had seen her yet, but she knew he knew she was there. She decided to wait for him to speak. It didn't take him to long.

"What do you want, Peyton?"

_She wanted him to let her in_. She cleared her throat, "Noah needs his medication." She watched as he went for another basket, but he missed. The ball bounced away from him in the opposite direction. She heard him sigh in frustration.

"That's not what I meant." He turned back around and looked right at her, an unreadable expression on his face. "You ever wonder why the kids don't call you _Aunt Peyton_?"

The question was out of the blue, and Peyton was confused as to where he was getting at. "What?"

He turned back around to get the basketball. He walked back to where he was shooting at before. He shot a few times, the ball bouncing back to him each time he made it in the basket. "Noah, and Lizzy." He continued to make shots. "They call everyone else Aunt or Uncle. Uncle Skills, Aunt Brooke, Aunt Millie, Uncle Chase, Aunt Rachel, Aunt Haley… Need me to continue?" He sets down the ball by the hoop, and slowly walks over to Peyton. Starring into her eyes as he gets about arms-width away. "Don't you ever wonder why they don't call you their Aunt?"

"Not really…" She faded as the statement left her mouth. Of course she noticed that, and so did everyone else. She was never hurt by the fact, she was just curious. She watched as his look changed. His eyebrow kinked; the expression he got when he didn't believe her. "Sometimes." She admitted.

_Everywhere I'm looking now  
I'm surrounded by your embrace  
Baby I can see your halo  
You know you're my saving grace_

_You're everything I need and more  
It's written all over your face  
Baby I can feel your halo  
Pray it won't fade away_

Lucas smiled softly at her admittance. "They love you- more than an aunt or uncle." His smile grew just a little, "They think of you as their own mother, Peyt." Hearing this made her heart soar. She'd heard that from Brooke countless amount of times. "They may not call you mom, but you're the closest person they have to a mother figure." But hearing this from Lucas just made it seem truly real. "Your just about the only constant woman in their lives that have always been there for them."

"What about Haley and Brooke? They're always there too…"

"You mean the world to them, Peyt. You're their best friend." He looked at her shyly. "You mean the world to _me_." He admitted, his cheeks turning slightly red. Her heart continued to soar even higher than she thought possible, just before it crashed and burned. "You're _my_ best friend." She shouldn't think that she meant any more to him then a friend. _Friend_. The word itself made her sick to her stomach. She put on her best fake smile, and hoped he wouldn't notice.

Lucas noticed, but showed no signs that he did. He's gotten so much better at closing himself off to others, especially to her. He saw the small smile she unconsciously had on her face when he told her how much she meant to him, and he noticed the smile quickly fade when he called her his best friend. He wanted to take the last statement back, but he meant it. She was his _best_ friend. She knew him like no one else. Of course you could bring up that Haley was also his best friend, but only knew him to a certain level. Peyton meant everything to Lucas, but he wasn't about to tell her that. "Come here." He couldn't stand the look of pure hurt on her face. He was positive she was trying to hide it, but she was never good at hiding her feelings, with him anyway. She was an open book, his favorite book to read.

Peyton gave him a smile. She couldn't help it. As much as she was hurt right now, about a lot of things, he looked so innocent with his arms spread wide waiting for her to step into them. She stepped in his embrace, her arms snaking their way around his waist. She laid her head on his chest sighing in content as his arms wrapped her body, one hand on the lower half of her back, and the other on the back of her neck, bringing her as close as possible. Peyton closed her eyes, breathing in his musky, and a little sweaty, but gentle scent while listening to his heartbeat. Its what she always did when he hugged her like this. It wasn't often these two found themselves in such an intimate embrace, but neither complained. "Why'd you tell me all that?"

_I can feel your halo halo halo  
I can see your halo halo halo_

"I-I'm trying to let you in." Lucas said simply. He knew what she wanted; she always wanted, no _needed_ him to open up. She just hugged him tighter, as if saying a silent 'thank you'.

Lucas didn't know how long they stood there, but figured it was about time to break the silence. It's something he wanted to tell her since he got here. He tightened his grip on her just a little, and placed a delicate kiss on the top of her head, leaning his head down so his lips barley touched her ear and whispered, "I'm sorry."

She tensed slightly, but immediately relaxed as he started to rub her back. "For what?" She mumbled into his shirt, eyes still closed.

When he felt her tense, he did the one thing he always did when she was tense; he began to rub delicate circles against her back. He remembers when she told him that her mom used to do that when she threw tantrums as a child. "All sorts of things." He mumbled into her hair. If his lips weren't so close to her ear, she doesn't think she could have heard it.

She nodded into his shirt. She understood where he was coming from. "It's okay." Peyton felt him shake his head in response.

"No, no it's not." He stepped back out of their embrace, but keeping his hands on her waist, and hers on his chest. Neither wanted to let go just yet. "I shouldn't have left a year ago…I should have called you- like I promised I would. I should have taken better care of the kids- or came home when I _knew_ I needed help. I-I just wish that I could take it all back."

"Luke-"

"And I sure as hell shouldn't have yelled at you like I just did. You didn't deserve any of it. They're my own problems and I have to find a way to deal with it." Lucas finished with a breath. "I'm sorry." He said as he gazed into her eyes.

"Lucas-" She sighed. He still didn't get it. "I want you to be able to come to me, for anything. Keeping to yourself hasn't worked for you." She watched as he nodded and looked down ashamed. She gently lifted his head back up with her hand. "I want to help you change that."

She watched as Lucas nodded. "Okay."

"Okay?"

"Yeah, I'll try." She gave him a sad smile. "I promise." He said matching her smile.

"That's all I'm asking." Peyton still hasn't stepped away from his embrace, and smiled at the thought. "Okay, how about we go inside. I can make lunch while you take a shower." She smirked up at him, "Your sweaty, and you kinda stink."

"Well, you never minded before." He replied huskily into her ear, as he put his arm around her shoulders, leading her into the house.

She unintentionally shivered, and blushed. She couldn't think straight, making every sarcastic remark she could have said fly out the window. She cursed him inwardly, while pushing him and smacking him lightly on his shoulder. She was smiling of course on the outside, but at the same time she was wishing she could slap that silly, but beautiful smirk off his face. Tossing a teasing glare towards him, she made her way into the house, hearing him laugh a little as she sprinted up the steps and through the doorway.

_I can feel your halo halo halo  
I can see your halo halo halo_

* * *

"I checked on Lizzy before I went outside. She's burning up." Peyton said once he got inside.

"Yeah, she hasn't been feeling well the last couple of days because of the new medication the doctor put her on." It seemed both his kids drew the short straw when it came to illness. Lizzy had inherited asthma from Lindsey, while Noah inherited Lucas' HCM. The only difference was Noah's heart was in worse shape then Lucas's. He needed to go to the hospital every month to get a check-up, and have blood drawn. Of course Noah was a big sport about it. Lucas knew the only reason he was so good was so the doctor would give him a lollypop at the end of the procedure.

"Which reminds me-" Lucas turned around and walked towards the door and began digging around in his coat pocket, quickly returning with a bottle of pills and a sippy-cup. "Noah, come in here for a minute." He called up the stairs. A moment later Noah comes running into the kitchen smiling at Peyton then turning to his dad.

"Yeah daddy?" Lucas had his head stuck in the refrigerator looking for some juice.

"You need to take your medicine little-man." Lucas said as he pulled out a bottle of apple juice. He turned toward towards the nearest counter and he begins to pour the juice into the cup.

Peyton took out the pill from the bottle that was sitting in front of her and walked it over to where Lucas was standing. He turned around, almost running into her. She blushed at his closeness and gave him a shy smile. She handed Lucas the pill, which he then dropped it into the cup murmuring a 'thanks' in response, inwardly smiling at the slight redness in her cheeks.

She went back to the table and sat down. Lucas began to shake the cup until the pill dissolved. When she sat down Noah began to climb on her lap. Peyton lifted him up and shifted him on her lap so they were both comfortable. Lucas walked over to them, smiled and gave Noah his cup placing a delicate kiss on his forehead.

"Make sure you drink it all buddy. Okay?" The young boy nodded in response, lent back onto Peyton's shoulder, his head falling on the side of her neck and began to drink his juice. He looked back at Peyton as a smile grazed his lips. He loved that his kids were so attached to Peyton, and he loved that in turn, Peyton was so attached to his kids. "I'm gonna go take a shower." Peyton smiled back and nodded as Lucas made his way up the stairs.

_Hit me like a ray of sun  
Burning through my darkest night  
You're the only one that I want  
Think I'm addicted to your light_

_I swore I'd never fall again  
But this don't even feel like falling  
Gravity can't forget  
To pull me back to the ground again_

* * *

Lucas came back downstairs forty-five minutes later showered and cleanly shaven. He walked into the kitchen and noticed Noah and Lizzy were sitting at the table with grilled cheese, fries, and a glass of milk in front of them. Peyton was over by the stove, a spatula in one hand and her cell phone in the other. She looked a little tense, as she seemed to be having problems talking to someone from her record label, someone by the name of John?

He shook his head; it was none of his business. He turned his attention to his kids, who had yet to notice him. Lucas smiled went over to Lizzy, and wrapped his arms around her, and planted a couple big sloppy kiss against her cheek. This caused the little girl to erupt into giggles.

"Daddy, I'm-tryin…to-eat." Lizzy said in between laughs.

Lucas bent down to her, and Noah's eye level and looked at their plates. "Mmm. That looks good." He looked over at Noah as he was just finishing off his sandwich, and turned back to Lizzy. "Can I have a bite?" He asked innocently giving her the puppy-dog look.

Lizzy sighed and rolled her eyes at her dad's silly antics. "Okay." She said. "But just _one_." She added, sounding as threateningly as she could. She held the sandwich up to his mouth as he took a huge bite. The little girl immediately retracted her hand and squinted her eyes at him. "Daddy! That was a _big_ bite."

"Well, you did say one bite. You never said how big." Lucas smiled as he watched her pout. He leaned over a placed a delicate kiss on her forehead, which got a smile in return. He knew all was forgiven.

_Feels like I've been awakened  
Every rule I had you breakin'  
The risk that I'm takin'  
I'm never gonna shut you out_

_Everywhere I'm looking now  
I'm surrounded by your embrace  
Baby I can see your halo  
You know you're my saving grace_

_You're everything I need and more  
It's written all over your face  
Baby I can feel your halo  
Pray it won't fade away_

"Ughhh!" He turned his head to Peyton and saw her slam her phone shut and put it on the counter, then rubbing her temples tiredly. He cautiously walked over to her, leaning on the counter directly behind her.

"Something wrong?" It was pretty much the stupidest question he could have asked.

"No. Everything is just peachy." She bit sarcastically.

"Ok. Let me rephrase that, _what's _wrong?" He gently grabbed her elbow, turning her around so she was facing him.

She's biting her lip, debating whether or not to tell him. It's really not a big deal, but she doesn't want to lay her problems on him when he's got his own to deal with.

She turns around quickly, breaking contact with him in the process. Peyton turned back to the stove to scoop the sandwich onto a plate, handing it over to Lucas. "_You _need to worry more about yourself, and eat." He gave her a squint before putting the plate on the counter behind him, leaning back against the counter with his arms crossed in front of him stubbornly.

"I won't eat until you tell me what's bothering you."

She gave him a sigh and a roll of her eyes. _He can be so stubborn sometimes_. She didn't think he was serious because of all the noise his stomach was making, but the look in his eyes makes her doubt herself.

"Fine. Where do you want me to begin?" She mirrored his body language, crossing her arms over her chest.

He smirked in victory. "At the beginning."

_There's that smirk again._ It gets her heart pounding every time. "_Damn it_." She mumbled under her breath.

"Okay." She took a breath, hoping to calm her heartbeat. "John. He's my old boss from Sire Records. You remember right? The internship I took after senior year?" Of course he remembered. They dated for four months prior, but broke up the night before she left. They never once said the three words they so badly wanted to say. They both admitted it was nothing serious and afterward stayed as friends. "Well John, he showed up yesterday at the studio and gave Mia the option to sign with him. And at first I thought it was a bad idea because I know how he treats his artists, but then he started saying how I'm keeping her from reaching her potential for fame. I have such a small label, and less hook ups than he has. Then I started thinking that it's a good idea for her, career wise anyway." She sighed and rubbed her eyes. "Then he called me and told me to make my decision by tomorrow, and I just don't know what to do."

"Well did you ask what Mia wanted to do?"

"Yeah. I mean she said she wanted to stay with me but-"

"I wouldn't blame her." Teasingly looking her up and down, causing her to blush. "Look Peyt, I'm so proud of you; you know that?" She nodded her head. "I know you're proud of Mia too, and that all couldn't have happened without you. You helped her create the rest of her life. You handed her, her dream. If you hand her over to John, he'll take that away." He walked to her, putting his hands on her shoulders making sure she was looking at him. "Be selfish for once, and I know you can make Mia into the star she could be. I believe in you Peyton and if Mia wants to stay with you, I know she believes in you too."

She nodds her head and wraps her arms around his waist. He does the same, but one of his hands ends up on the back of her neck pulling her closer. She smiles, _a classic Lucas Scott hug_. "Thank you."

"You never have to thank me." She pulls away and notes the seriousness in his tone. She nods again and looks behind her, pointing at the untouched plate of food.

"I told you my problem, now how about you eat that food before it gets cold." She kinks her eyebrow at him, knowing deep down that he loves when she does that.

"Yes ma'am." He grabs the plate and takes it to the table, sitting next to Noah while Peyton goes and sits across him next to Izzy.

They spend the next half hour or so at the table talking, well the kids doing most of the talking telling Peyton everything she missed in the past couple of months (all the good things anyway…).

After they finished lunch, they decided to watch a movie together since Izzy was still not feeling very well, and Noah was getting tired. They decided to cuddle up in the living room, Izzy on the couch with Peyton and Lucas right below her laying on the ground with a pillow underneath his head. Noah had decided that since Iz got to lay with Peyton that he would lay with his dad. So he laid right on his chest, curling his knees making him fit perfectly. Lucas smiled as he kissed his sons head. Noah was born pre-mature, and was so small Lucas could have sworn he fit in the palm of his hand. To this day he's a lot smaller than the rest of the kids his age, but it doesn't matter because the doctor said he'd be able to grow as tall as his daddy one day.

About half way through the movie; Brooke, Haley, Nathan, and Jamie made there way through the door. Peyton was the only one awake, so she put her finger to her mouth to shush them quiet. Haley came over to Peyton telling her that she and Brooke were staying for dinner, leaving no room for argument. Then she cautiously got the blanket from another chair and laid it on Lucas and Noah, smiling to herself as she walked out of the room to get dinner started.

Nathan had taken Jamie outside with him in the pool so he wouldn't disturb them. Brooke was the only one who came over to sit with Peyton, who was still stroking the little girls hair unconsciously.

"Did you talk to him?" Peyton nodded. "We'll what did he say?"

"He still blames himself for what happened, and everything with Lindsey is just making it worse." Brooke doesn't know what to say to that. It's killing him, she knows that much. All the guilt he's going through is making him sick.

"So what are we gonna do P. Sawyer?"

"I don't know B. Davis. I just don't know…"

_I can feel your halo halo halo  
I can see your halo halo halo  
I can feel your halo halo halo  
I can see your halo halo halo_

* * *

**A/N: I started a new story a couple weeks back; it's called "The Girl he Left Behind". If your bored, please check it out. There is only one chapter so far, but I'm slowly getting the second one done. It is really depressing and stressful to write, which in turn makes me depressed. So that's a reason why I can't write it that fast. But if you like Lucas/Leyton angst, check it out. You won't regret it. The first chapter may be confusing, but it's the perfect prologue to the story. (The story does pick up it's pace and eventually get a lot more dialogue in the second chapter. I should change the rating to M soon…)**

**!!!!!!!!!! P.S. This is most likely different than anything you will ever read…The story is written in "Deaths" POV. Just thought I'd throw that in there….!!!!!!!!!!!**

**------Preview of Story. Chapter 2: Whiskey Lullaby. Deaths POV is in italics and *. **

He never wanted it to come out this way. He can't keep doing this, bringing her down with him. It's his problems he needs to sort out, not hers. He's being selfish by being unselfish…if that makes sense. In his mind it does. And that's what's breaking their relationship, what's breaking _him_. Things have been tense in this house for about two weeks when his contract at the publishing company was dissolved. Now, he finds out there was a boating accident involving his mother, sister, and (almost) stepfather Andy.

*Lets just say I was busy that day…*

They found them dead three days later.

**Review if you would like too. Sorry it took so long. I don't have any excuses, but this is longer than the others cause I felt like you guys deserved a longer chapter. I had to speed up the ending because I didn't want to drag it on anymore…but thanks so so much for the reviews I've been getting. They mean the world to me. :)**


End file.
